Stereotypes we love to hate

Selfridges were both excited yet apprehensive about menswear's latest addition to their styling team. At 34 years old, Ronaldo (like the famous one, honey, but with a different set of balls) lacks any sort of formal education, training, or employment. Not that you would know, from the way he cuts down colleagues, customers and occasionally even the management; Sweetie, that look's more Justin Lee Collins than Justin Timberlake, he remarked to his boss one day.

His self assured style makes him quick to moan about the more indecisive shoppers (who takes 20 minutes to buy a pair of Gucci loafers? Tom Ford would have a fit) and his knowledge of what's in vogue gives him all the confidence he needs to take the wind out of anyone's skinny jeans (which are so last season, by the way).

Having just had his hair cut to look like Agyness Deyn (fashion goes deeper than clothes, you know), Ronaldo is often caught sniggering at the barnets of unsuspecting shoppers who have dared to leave the house un-coiffed, something which his co-workers find deeply disrespectful.

Marcus, who's worked in menswear for 18 months now, and who won the New Salesman of the Year in his first season, is finding it increasingly difficult to take Ronaldo's more personal blows on the chin (did I miss the memo about knitwear, Markie?), and cusses his overly English nature that stops him from ever answering back.

He need not worry though, for customers have been doing the answering back for him. One regular to the department was so put out by the smirk that Ronaldo made towards his purchasing of some extra large pink briefs, and then by what was said to him when his card got refused due to a mix up with pin numbers (can't you afford to shop here, sir?), that he made a formal complaint to Customer Services. Another vowed never to return after Ronaldo remarked to the man's (much younger) looking partner that it must be so nice to have such a generous Sugar Daddy in today's current climate.

Bosses struggle to keep the tongue of Ronaldo firmly in cheek, but they simply can not afford to sack him. For when he's not busy insulting people, he's busy pulling in the frivolous fashionistas, eager to pick up a tip or two on next seasons hot trends. And at £200 a tip, Ronaldo's good well outweighs his bad. A point which dear Marcus finds even more difficult to take.

By Jay J Nicholas

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